What is happiness anyway?
It’s a byproduct – something that happens when you are doing something else. Nobody can decide “Now I’m happy” and lo and behold “suddenly you are happy”. That’s the problem with happiness – it’s just too big, too loaded.
Then I realized I had something even more important. I’m attracted. I’m attracted to chanting, to reading my Gurudeva’s books, reading about the pastimes, the kirtans, everything. Sure, I’ve had moments where it becomes to intense, too tiresome, too … “give me a breather!”, but the attraction is there.
And isn’t attraction a sort of happiness? When there is attraction we naturally gravitate towards it, we find it pleasurable and continue doing it. Which is probably why I continue chanting and reading. There is something there, in those activities that is just…. right. There are moments where I just want to give it all up, and I do – for that moment. The next day I’m right back at it, may be a bit grumpy about it, but still. I’m there. Continuing even when there doesn’t seem to be any progress. The progress is that I’m still there. Continuing.
But then, if there is no progress, what’s the point anyway? The progress is there, but it’s just too slow for me to really notice. But when I have these moments of clarity, I do see it. There is progress, however slow.
When I’m not that satisfied, I can always rely on another wisdom. We are striving for service to Gurudeva. So even if I haven’t realized my spiritual identity, I can still do the important part. To keep aspiring to do service to Gurudeva. That will not change no matter what I have realized or not. As long as I keep aspiring to do better for my Gurudeva, then I’m alright.
So thank you Gurudeva, for making this spiritual process available to me. I hope you will continue guiding me through all my faults.