Lost faith, lost everything

Some weeks ago I had a discussion about transcendental sound. Somehow the discussion culminated (for me) into whether one can make any spiritual progress without sadhu-sanga even when one is diksa initiated, The answer I got was: there is no progress without sadhu-sanga. Period. In other words: I can forget about making any progress in my life. I thought I was at the stage of bhajana-kriya, but forget it. I’m still on sraddha, and moving backwards from there. I have been sad ever since. I have no sadhu-sanga or even association with more advanced devotees. So in reality it means I will never make progress in spiritual life (or at least for many years to come).

So why bother? Whenever I think of doing something spiritual, the thought “Why bother?” comes up in my mind. I have stopped reading books. I have stopped. It runs even deeper than that, because why get up in the morning when there is no hope for me? I have lost the meaning of my life. Before I always thought that whatever defect there were, was in me. I could fix me. But now when there is no hope without sadhu-sanga, then why bother? There is no reason for me to keep drudging on, there’s nothing there to give me hope anymore. I used to think that at least when I kept reading books etc. there was something there that helped me move on. Kept the seed of bhakti watered – whatever poorly.

I have never been so low before. I have never had such a huge crisis in my spiritual life before when I have lost the point of even trying.

Spiritually lost

In spiritual life there is a goal – a clear defined goal. To develop love for God. Though you don’t achieve a goal easily. You don’t even get a goal easily. A goal is something you develop over time – a desire you work for.

I don’t have a goal in my spiritual life. On the contrary, I want my life to become more materially successfull, and let my spiritual life be a hobby that I do in-between.

How am I supposed to even have a goal when I have no understanding of what spirituality is? Let me give you a story to illustrate. Someone who I’ve known for a long time see me as someone I’m not. She understands me based upon herself and her little world. So she tries to cast me into this role in her world that she understands. She knows depression, so if I’m going through some hard ordeals she thinks I’m depressed. I’m not, but she don’t know what my life is like so she uses only what she knows. She is unable to perceive my life, how I think and who I am because she have no experience with my life. She has no capacity to see beyond her own life.

I’m like her when it comes to spiritual life. I have no experience of what spiritual life is – so how am I supposed to get a spiritual goal? To change my perceptions into something spiritual? I consider myself to be a very intelligent person, I read a lot of spiritual books but I know that even though my intelligence makes me understand a whole lot, that intelligence is of little value in spiritual life. Spiritual life is about developing feelings. Even worse, it’s about developing feelings I have no experience of and is not of the world I’m in.

So then there’s mercy. There’s a lot about how you have to receive your Gurudeva’s mercy to be able to progress in spiritual life. Well, I don’t understand mercy. I especially don’t understand spiritual mercy. That is *really* above my understanding.

So I’m in this material box. I know there’s a spiritual box – I’m trying to look into that box. But my tools for entering this spiritual box is all wrong. I know on the theoretical platform I’m supposed to chant, do my gayatri and do all these things. Then my ability to get into the spiritual box will reveal itself. Except – I’m unable to. What motivation do I really have to work towards this spiritual box when all I know is this material box and how that one works?

I’m so lost. I need help. I’m so unqualified to receive help – even if I got help served on a golden platter I wouldn’t be able to take it. That’s how lost I am.