Spiritually lost

In spiritual life there is a goal – a clear defined goal. To develop love for God. Though you don’t achieve a goal easily. You don’t even get a goal easily. A goal is something you develop over time – a desire you work for.

I don’t have a goal in my spiritual life. On the contrary, I want my life to become more materially successfull, and let my spiritual life be a hobby that I do in-between.

How am I supposed to even have a goal when I have no understanding of what spirituality is? Let me give you a story to illustrate. Someone who I’ve known for a long time see me as someone I’m not. She understands me based upon herself and her little world. So she tries to cast me into this role in her world that she understands. She knows depression, so if I’m going through some hard ordeals she thinks I’m depressed. I’m not, but she don’t know what my life is like so she uses only what she knows. She is unable to perceive my life, how I think and who I am because she have no experience with my life. She has no capacity to see beyond her own life.

I’m like her when it comes to spiritual life. I have no experience of what spiritual life is – so how am I supposed to get a spiritual goal? To change my perceptions into something spiritual? I consider myself to be a very intelligent person, I read a lot of spiritual books but I know that even though my intelligence makes me understand a whole lot, that intelligence is of little value in spiritual life. Spiritual life is about developing feelings. Even worse, it’s about developing feelings I have no experience of and is not of the world I’m in.

So then there’s mercy. There’s a lot about how you have to receive your Gurudeva’s mercy to be able to progress in spiritual life. Well, I don’t understand mercy. I especially don’t understand spiritual mercy. That is *really* above my understanding.

So I’m in this material box. I know there’s a spiritual box – I’m trying to look into that box. But my tools for entering this spiritual box is all wrong. I know on the theoretical platform I’m supposed to chant, do my gayatri and do all these things. Then my ability to get into the spiritual box will reveal itself. Except – I’m unable to. What motivation do I really have to work towards this spiritual box when all I know is this material box and how that one works?

I’m so lost. I need help. I’m so unqualified to receive help – even if I got help served on a golden platter I wouldn’t be able to take it. That’s how lost I am.

One thought on “Spiritually lost

  1. Here is where we can come to appreciate the story Srila Sridhara Maharaj told about the Indian police officer who said to his colleague: “It’s good that our God is a thief, because a thief does not care for high walls and locked doors, and that is exactly what we have erected around our hearts”.

    In Vrindavan, Kartik 2007, I was staying in the ashram of my diksa-guru, Srila B. A. Paramadvaiti Maharaj. One day I found an old magazine from Gopinath Gaudiya Math. In it I read a Vyasa Puja offering from Sripad B. G. Narasingha Maharaj to Srila B. P. Puri Maharaj. One line struck me and I remember it still: “You have forced me to taste the nectar of devotional service against my own will”. Shortly after reading it I was sitting in the prasad hall of the ashram taking lunch. My Gurumaharaj was sitting outside with some guests. There was no one to keep gaurd and fend off monkeys away from them, so one godsister went inside the prasad hall to find someone for that service. Most of the devotees in there were in white. I was wearing saffron (brahmacari). I knew that saffron cloth is a flag saying: “I’m up for whatever service, whenever!”. I really don’t like interrupting my meals, so I was just thinking: “Please don’t pick me, please don’t pick me”… I was picked. But as I stood out there, stick in hand, keeping monkeys away from my Guru and his guests, I felt quite blissful. I then realized that I had gotten a taste of what Sripad Narasingha Maharaj wrote in his Vyasa Puja offering.

    Happy Kartik!

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