My hidden love

na karma-bandhanam janma,vaisnavanams ca vidyate
visnor anucaratvam hi, moksam ahur manisninah

“A vaisnava does not take birth under the jurisdiction of karmic law. His birth and disappearance is transcendental. The wise have declared that the servants of visnu are eternally engaged in the liberated service of the Lord and hence are free from the laws of material nature.”

tvp-shop-klv-oneOne of the things I really wonder about is how the pure devotees got to the point they are. To attain prema is no easy thing or achieved in one lifetime. I remember sitting in one of Gurudeva’s lecture where he stated “To achieve prema will take many lifetimes. For you – maybe twenty lifetimes”. I thought for myself: that’s a lot of lifetimes.

The trouble is – people like my Gurudeva; I don’t really think he ever was a conditioned being. I think for some reason he chose to display his pasttime here and I happened to stumble across his path. But my path is from the conditioned state, and I have to walk that path to prema.

I would liked to just spend time with a person who has walked the same path and just ask, ask, ask how that person dealt with different situations, the decisions he/she took, what the reasoning behind them was, how it felt. How it feels now. Because I’m envious. I know there are people both younger and older than me that have chosen to live doing service towards a pure devotee. How did they get there?

I know I’m where I’m supposed to be now – I can’t really see I will be able to change it or even if I’m ready. I believe that things happen when you are ready for it, and I’m in the path I’m in for a reason.

That’s why one of my hidden pleasures is reading biographies, and the one biography that have given me the most is a biography of Srila Gour Govinda Maharaja. What a gem of a book! What really makes this book important for me is that it’s written about how Gour Govinda Maharaja changed. It’s apparent that he was born in an conditioned state, and it tells about his transition to prema. How his body changed color, when he came to external consciousness he had to be told: this is your foot, hand etc.

But more important for me is how his life was before he changed. How he led his life. He went through hardships I can’t imagine, and I wonder how Krishna can be so harsh towards his devotee that are so dedicated to him. He just kept on going, tolerating this harsh material life, having material responsibilities that tried to eat him up, but he kept on going. Never wavering.

Now – that I can relate to. That’s what I’m looking for. I want to relate to people that are walking this conditioned life and somehow made it to the end or close to it. I want to hear their experiences and everything.

But of course, Gour Govinda Maharaja was no ordinary being. He was born in a famous Kirtana family, a devotee from birth and he had paramahamsas in his family which chose when to leave their body. I don’t think he was born with any material desires, he just had some small steps left (and I have no idea what those steps was). So this was his last lifetime while I still have at least 20 lifetimes before I might be where he was. So I guess I need to read at least 20 different lifetimes of biographies 😉

So, do you have any book/biography recommendations to me?

Symptoms of Kali Yuga



After the Great War Lord Krishna left Dwaraka to Spiritual world, King Yudhisthira was ruling the earth. His mighty brother Bhimasena was in charge of the welfare of the citizens in the kingdom. He used to help in solving the problems of people; hence people would come to him with grievances.

One day a person came and told Bhima that he noticed a strange thing that day. The fence he had erected around his filed had gained momentum and had ventured into other persons field. He requested Bhima to help him find out why it was happening so. Bhima had never heard a thing like that so he asked him to approach Yudhisthira in the evening durbar.

On the same day, another person came and told that he came across with a strange thing. He had a big pot with full of water and he had poured that water into small pots, amazingly when he tried to pour back the water from the small pots to the big one only half of the big pot was filled. The person was wondering what had happened to the other half quantity of water. Bhima not knowing what to say, he asked him to contact Yudhisthira.

Yet another person came to Bhima that day with a complaint that he happened to see a strange thing. A huge elephant could pass through the eye of the needle but to his surprise its tail got stuck in that hole. Bhima again referred him to Yudhisthira.

Another person came to Bhima and said that he saw big rock in the street and huge wrestlers in the locality could not move it an inch but a Sadhu who was passing by just waved his Palasa Danda (the staff of Palasa tree) and astonishingly the boulder moved. Bhima thinking that it has been a bad day for him since he could not fined solution to the weird happening, he referred them to Yudhisthira.

They all went to Yudhisthira and asked about these questions, then Yudhisthira said that, all these qualities shows that Dwapara Yuga is ending and Kali Yuga is near approaching and he explains ……

The first symptom is one of the fence is moving into other persons filed shows that people are not satisfied with what they have and are more interested to know about what others have and think of a way to acquire them either hook or crook.

The second symptom is the big pot with full of water when it is poured into small pots and pour back into big pot fills only half this means that a person can expect only 50% of love or affection or help from a person to whom he had shown love affection and had helped.

The third symptom of big elephant is going through a needle but the tail getting stuck, it means that henceforth people are ready to spend a lot of their earnings on sensual satisfaction but when it comes to philanthropy they do not spare even a little.

The fourth symptom is, big rock not moved by persons who are having lot of strength but a Sadhu could move it just by waving his Danda. This means that one can get rid of all their enormous and vast problems just by contemplating on the holy name of the Lord.

kaler dosha-nidhe rajann asti hy eko mahan gunah
kirtanad eva krishnasya mukta-sangah param vrajet

My dear King, although Kali-yuga is an ocean of faults, there is still one good quality about this age: Simply by chanting the name of Lord Sri Krsna, one can become free from material bondage and be promoted to the transcendental kingdom of Vaikunta.
SB (12.3.51)

Story taken from Back To Godhead India:

Enough thinking, start doing


Today I got up after four am, not of my own free will. My son decided to wake up then. I had already decided to get up early to get an hour for myself before he woke up, but it’s like he has this sixth sense every time I want to get up early to enjoy some me-time.

Watch how parents feel they are losing themselves and not being fully human when they have no time for themselves.

Penelope Trunk

Now I’m going to stick to it, and I think my spiritual practices will flourish because of it. I think the message I’m getting is that I have to start doing, and keep the thinking straight. Doing in my case means studying. The moment I start studying I usually get so inspired I have to chant and do everything else. So that will be part of my morning me-time. I think the time of emotional turbulence in my spiritual life will slowly fade away now. It’s not what I need and it will not serve any purpose anymore. Now I need stableness, to settle down, to grow my roots.

I know I have one major upheaval left in my life that will happen during the next year. Then I will have many years of moving in the direction I want. That direction involves going inwards. I’m ready now.

What lesson to be learned?

I was once in a festival where I for some reason I don’t remember I was asked by Syamarani didi (a very advanced devotee) to find one person. So I asked a sannyasi and his friend at the dinner table if they knew where this person was. The friend responded irritated that it was very impolite to barge in on the conversation like that. I responded “Oh, I’m sorry but I’m not asking for me. I’m asking for Syamarani didi.” They looked at each other, and I saw in their expression that they had just received a lesson. Later on the friend apologised.

Spiritual people have the tendency to try to find meaning in everything. I certainly do, but this crisis I have gone through – I really see no lesson there. If it’s about grit, to just continue and not give up – well, that is a lesson I have learned from before. If it’s a test to me – well, that makes me chuckle because why test for something that’s barely there?

It’s not like I have stopped believing, I just stopped seeing the point in practising.

“There are two kinds of sraddha: one is worldly sraddha, worldly faith, and the second is transcendental faith. Worldly sraddha is always shaky and very weak. On the other hand, if one has transcendental sraddha, like Haridasa Thakura, he will think, ‘Even if you cut me into thousands of pieces, I will not give up my chanting and my worship.'” (Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Maharaja, July 6 2002, France)]

(Worldly faith may also apply to faith in material relations, and in that case transcendental faith will apply to faith in transcendental personalities, like Guru, sadhu, and sastra.)

I still belive in Gurudeva and the things he preaches. I have problems with the siddhanta that states that you can have no progress without sadhu-sanga. I have trouble believing in it. Then I got the assignment to look into greed. I’m wondering if that may be part of my answer;

“No one ever develops greed on the basis sastra, nor is there any consideration of qualification or lack thereof for obtaining the coveted goal. Rather, greed arises spontaneously simply on hearing about or seeing the object of one’s greed”. (raga varma candrika Text 5)

That’s it – the key point here is greed. Greed is the qualification for entering spiritual life and to get greed you have to hear or see the object of one’s greed. So how does sadhu-sanga (or sadhu-seva as syamananda prabhu points out) apply to this and that there can be no progress without it?

I really find spiritual life to be like a carpet with intricate patterns. There are so many threads to keep track of, and they make such a beautiful pattern but you can’t see it before you have attained mastery of all the threads and know how to put it together. And you need to have a master to teach you how to make the carpet.

So yes, I get that without sadhu-sanga there can be no progress. But at the same time, greed is spontaneous and requires no qualification. I’m not really sure where I’m getting at with this line of thought.

But I have moved forward now. If I make no progress, it doesn’t matter. I just have to continue and may be I will have sadhu-sanga again. By continuing I may get enough sukriti to have sadhu-sanga again. Right now I don’t really see the reason to continue on, I just do anyway.

But reading about spiritual greed is really lovely. It’s such a beautiful feeling that’s being conveyed. If you think about material greed a feeling of disgust comes up. When reading about spiritual greed it’s so lovely – it’s like I can taste the feeling. I guess that’s one of the reasons I keep on going even when there are setbacks. I really love the feelings that scripture conveys.

Come to think about it- I really want to understand and learn about those feelings. Forget about practice, I want to learn about the feelings.