I stopped chanting again. I think it happened a week before christmas. I was sick, extraordinary load of work at work and I just had nothing left to go on. Now I have been contemplating why it’s so hard to get back on the horse. It’s not like I’m not chanting, but I had set that I would at least chant four rounds a day steadily. Now it’s Christmas vacation, and there is no shortage of time.
It’s indifference. Indifference to japa – which is why I’m looking for inspirational sources on japa. I need to get that inspiration again. I understand that chanting be gets more chanting. It’s logical for anybody who has a little taste in chanting. And I do – I like chanting. So why do I like chanting, but are still failing at it?
The indifference has a source in my need for relaxation, taking care of myself. That need trumps my need for chanting. Then there’s laziness. My indifference is in reality laziness. There is room for me taking care of myself AND chanting. Those two are not opposites, they are a part of the same equation.
Laziness, huh? Laziness of mind. The intelligence has to parent the mind to avoid laziness. I’m not a lazy person, but I do need a lot of rest. That I have a lazy mind surprise me, but at the same time it rings true. I can see how little I demand of my mind, how little boundaries it has received.
But laziness of mind is just one step – if I dig further the true culprit is selfishness. Self-absorption. I have more than enough with myself that I leave no room for this service to someone besides myself. I’m so self-centered in my life that when some obstacle shows its face I’m too busy with myself.
Self-centredness and selfishness breeds indifference.