I’ve been silent for a while now. I’m going through one of my usual down periods. I’m kind of tired of the up and downs in my spiritual and material life. Too much are happening, too little is happening. Things are too tough and have been for a long time and exhaustion is my usual companion.
I’m even tired of my own ups and downs. People used to ask Gurudeva about troubles they had in their lifes, boy/girlfriend problems and the likes. Gurudeva used to answer: Just chant and it will resolve itself.
I’m angry at my Gurudeva because I need more than just help in the spiritual department, I need help materially as well. It seems like I have to burn through five lifetimes of bad karma in just this life. Sure there is a logical answer to this statement, but I’m not at a place where I’m willing to listen to logic anymore. This is about my life and there’s a lot of feelings involved. I don’t need to think that it’s in my karma, because I refuse karma now. I don’t accept having to go through so much, all the time. I have dealt with more changes and instability than most people deal with in several lifetimes.
I feel I’m being punished and that being a devotee is a punishment. Since I know about this process all my sins are being punished five folds. I’m working so hard on doing the right thing all the time, and I’m not given the same courtesy.
Enough now. I’m done. I need some honey coming my way.