The battle of me: Krishna, maya or karma?

It seems like everything has come into place in financing the apartment now. Furthermore, I got a job interview as an IT architect on the same day that I get the keys to the apartment. The job description is like they have written down my dream job, and it becomes available at the exact moment I’m ready to apply for it, in a small town with little IT jobs to begin with.

Remember the time I was so angry to be put through this huge change and how I thought I had been dancing to the will of Maya?

Well, have I?

It seems like everything is moving into place. I’m getting everything I wanted (just the most important part, a job, left) – though I really have had to work hard for it. Make no mistakes, I have really had to work for it. But work doesn’t always guarantee success. Success – that is one part hard work, one part ???: karma? Maya? Krishna’s mercy?

So what is this? Is it my karma and desires that has fruitined from difficulties to goodness? Or have krishna actually steered this boat to ensure things work out favorably for me?

I don’t know.

I can look at it from the point of surrender:
1) Accept what is favorable for devotional activites.
Is this change favorable for my devotional life? I think so yes. In the end it will be.

2) Reject what is unfavorable.
Well, yes. My situation has not been favorable devotionally, though how much it matters I don’t know. Isn’t overcoming problems part of devotional practice? But I also see that one comes to the point where the obstacles serves no purpose, which kind of happened to me. I got to the point where I got over the obstacles, but they were still there in my external situation, but making small impact internally. Now I’m removing myself from this situation, which will  means the external impact will be gone as well.

3) Believe in the protection of the Lord.
Well, this point have certainly been in use. I will move between cities, quit my job with no job waiting for me, I will become a single mom, I have put myself in a mountain of debt, I have no idea how this will work out financially and the potential of ruin is there. My prayers are pretty much like this: I’m scared shitless, God. Please help me. I need these things to work itself out. Please help me, and thank you for these things that have worked itself out.

4) Depend on the mercy of the Lord
Well, sure. I can’t really be much of an active participant here, because I’m already there. I just have to trust that everything will work itself out.

It all seems so fuzzy-feely. We can’t really know wether it’s Krishna, Maya or Karma doing it’s work, can we? It just works out in the end…. I hope.



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