I didn’t get the job I really wanted. It’s sad. Though, I would probably had married that job which would have resulted in less time focusing on my devotional service. So when I don’t get what I want I usually think that “it wasn’t meant to be”, and it’s fine. I’m sad a little bit, then I move on.
I prayed so much to get this job, and I kind of got the message back: “Relax, everything will be okey”. At some point I got the message “Stop asking” (or actually, it was more like “Stop bugging me, I’ve heard you a millionth times now!”). Then I stopped praying about the job, because the overwhelming feeling was that things would resolve itself.
I didn’t get the job, but I still have the feeling that things will work itself out. I’m relaxed. Next week is when I will be moving. Pack up the house, move, clean the old place and get in to place at the new space. I’m not relaxed about moving because it’s a lot of work, but I’m still relaxed about not having a job waiting for me. I still think that things will resolve itself.
In the end it came to me that my material environment is friendly. I’m being looked after. I’m being taken care of. My obstacles are removed as long as I persevere. There’s this whole mindset that is connected to surrender: “Firmly believe in the protection of the Lord” and “Feel dependent on Krishna’s mercy”. That’s where I am. In the midst of great changes, I’m calm.
It reminds me of an experience I had many years ago. I was learning to scuba dive, but I was doing badly. I was pretty much panicking the whole time. I managed to get some meters under water and the instructor wanted me to go in one direction but because the current was so strong I was having trouble staying in line. He got a bit impatient with me and grabbed me. I went into full panic when he did this, and I lost my hold on the oxygen piece that are in the mouth. Now, when you are under water and loose your oxygen – that’s critical !
When you are in panic, your actions are irrational. You’re not thinking clearly – and that’s how the mouth piece got out of my mouth. The moment I realized the mouth piece was out of my mouth, something clicked in my brain. I became completely still and calm. Then I got the mouth piece back in place.
I’m in that space now where I’m still and calm. You might call it survival mode, but there really is a peace there, focus.
This experience is showing me what I know to be true. I belong to Krishna. I’m not perfect and I have a long way to go, but in the end all that matters is that I belong to Krishna. No matter what happens, that doesn’t change. Everything around me has changed now, multiple times even. I always stay with Krishna through it all.