Ever since I became angry and started praying to God, I have continued doing so. I have a lot to pray about these days. The thing is, I pray by naming him God. Not Krishna – God. God somehow seems less… personal. Less scary, because there is no attributes to God. God seems more of a force, than a person, therefore easier.
Krishna probably have other things on his mind, and the little prayers of me shouldn’t matter to him. He is in another mood which I don’t fathom, but I know that my prayers to him is an intrusion. But calling him God, despite the safety of it probably isn’t correct. So who should I pray to? Narayana? Is that the name I should use when I pray?I have no relation to Narayana. How should I understand Narayana? Who should I pray to about my little life with my conditioned thoughts?
After I started praying semi-exclusively to God, something went missing. My prayers to Gurudeva. I talk so very little to him now. Again, I don’t want to bother Gurudeva with my small minded, conditioned thoughts and desires, fears etc. But then the whole conversation is lost. For better or worse, my small minded, conditioned prayers are a relationship. At least it’s an act of approaching my Gurudeva.
I don’t know how to pray anymore. Or – I do pray, but how do I do it? To whom? With what?