Start of a new beginning

FiskI’m going to be fine. After spending many nights unable to sleep because I was full of anxiety and fear, everything is good. Norway has good social benefits, especially if you are a single mom. All of my applications has been approved, I’ve done the math and I will be financially fine, even as unemployed. Which really took a heavy burden off my shoulders, and I’m now so, so relaxed. I’ve been so, so relaxed, happy and grateful. I’m so, so grateful and I thank God every day for the blessings he has given me. I’ve been blessed, really.

After getting my finances in order, there suddenly was nothing left to worry about. I was finished moving, my son is doing fine and everything is good. There really was nothing left to deal with. These past years have been the hands down the toughest years I have been through, and suddenly there was… nothing except peace. I am unemployed and had all the time I could ever dream of available to me, and nothing that needed to be dealt with or resolved. I had finished and cleaned up all the baggage.

Which left me with so much feelings. I’m so happy I’m bursting with happiness. I’m so free that it’s wonderful. I’m so totally uncomfortable with this freedom that’s bursting within me. I’m going through so much emotion now that I’m bursting and having trouble breathing. I’m breathing like I have been doing heavy exercise, but all I did was taking a shower and feeling everything. I’m so deeply uncomfortable with all the feelings I have. It’s like I’m having panic attacks except I’m so completely happy, grateful, deeply uncomfortable and unhappy about it at the same time. I feel everything so deeply.

There is room for it now – to feel everything. I love every moment of it at the same time that it’s so uncomfortable. So I do what I have always done – I eat my way through my feelings using chips and chocolate – in big amounts. Because that’s what I have always done. I eat my feelings away and now I feel more than I have done for a long, long time.

I feel so incomplete, and I feel how my eating is holding me back. I feel how my eating stops me from moving forward. I feel how I should only eat prasada and I feel how this is a big stumbling block to me now. I feel that if I could make this shift, then I will progress really quickly.

But this is a change I don’t know how to do – because if I did I would already do it. I don’t like cooking much. I like carrots, onions, mushrooms, lentils, garlic and all the other stuff I’m supposed to refrain from. I have a real hard time learning and trying recipes that are acceptable to offer. Chips and chocolate, store bought pizza is easy. I know how to make kitcheri, but I’m unable to live off only that. I like eating real, good food, but I’m unable to make it. Everybody else seem to be good at just throwing something together and it will be good. I’m not – I throw something together and it might be eatable. I don’t know how to make this change and I’m feeling it – deeply.

It feels like I’m cleansing with feelings. My feelings are cleansing me. There’s so much feelings.

4 thoughts on “Start of a new beginning

  1. Now this is something I can relate to. I’m something of an hidden in the open closet-eater. Although I eat only prasadam and that at fixed times, when the deities have their daily regular offerings, it’s mostly emotional eating although I try every now and then to think of how Nityananda Prabhu’s lips have touched it.

    Here is a nice poem about this problem from the opposite angle, that of not liking food in general, but having to deal with prasadam:

  2. I LOOOOVED that poem! It’s actually quite fitting for me as well, because this is a kitchen religion – and I’m not a kitchen person.

    At least you only eat prasadam, so it will cleanse you. Me – I’m eating sin in large quantities.

  3. Srila Tripurari Maharaja writes in his commentary to BG 9.27 that even if your food is not offerable, you should offer it still. Krishna may or may not accept it, but either way the act of offering will purify you.

  4. Thank you! That was a relief to hear, because it bothers me that I’m not eating prasada. In this way it will at least be a bit better until my ingrained habits are changed.

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