I’ve moved to a place where I have no friends, and I have no connection to – except the family of my son (which was one of the reasons for moving there). This leaves me pretty lonely, except I’m not really lonely. I’m not sure what to make of it – in one part it’s really good to be alone. In another way I wish I had a best friend which I could share my heart with.
asat sanga tyaga – ei vaisnava acara
‘stri-sangi’ – eka asadhu krsnabhakta’ara
It is the policy of a Vaishnava to reject mundane association such as those who are overly attached to women and people averse to Krishna bhakti. (Cc. Madhya 22.87)
This right there is the problem (well, I wish the word women would have been replaced with person of desire or something). I don’t have much mundane or any, association besides lectures and books. I find most of my mundane friendships to be shallow. There is no sharing of hearts, there is no display of vulnerability, people who care how I’m *actually* doing and dare to ask the corresponding questions. There isn’t even room for start asking those questions. I don’t know if I have lost taste for friendships or it’s the “wrong” type of friendships.
For me – going deep into relationships is what makes me happy. I thrive for those difficult questions and things to resolve. I have only one way to get this desire resolved now – and that is to go within myself and do it. My main source of association is myself, my son, books and TV.
I wanted this – I wanted things to quiet down and to get a stable life. Well, I’ve gotten more than I have bargained for. Is God testing me – to see how much I will try to work on our relationship? I’m failing. I have no enthusiasm. I want to study and read, but reading is easy. Learning enough to be able to talk about it requires that I take it up a notch.
I remember some precious few days where I was filled with enthusiasm. Where I couldn’t wait to get home from work, put my son to bed so I could spend more time studying the Vedas. Now I have the time – but no enthusiasm like I once experienced.
I want that enthusiasm back. How did I get it in the first place?