I’ve been silent for a while. It’s actually been months now where my spiritual life has been at a stand still. Nothing happens, and I’m fine with it. I actually like it. I’m hoping my unsteadiness is moving towards steadiness, however slowly. Though I can’t say I’m progressing, still something is emerging. I more and more think of myself as belonging to Krishna. This understanding can be seen on a scale, where a pure devotee is completely dedicated to service. And then there’s me that is it in thought, but not in action. So how come this understanding is growing within me?
As I’ve grown older, I’ve also grown more into myself. I’m secure in myself, I don’t need other people to like me, I’m complete in myself and I accept who I am, good and the bad. I haven’t been like this before, I’ve been complete opposite, but that’s the grace of growing older and working on yourself. I’m becoming more me as time passes. I continue to learn more of who I am, and with that become more me. I understand the value of acting according to my definition of integrity and recognize when I move beyond it and try to rectify it when that happens. I accept that I make mistakes and have faults and it doesn’t define me more than I let it rule my life.
If something is a choice, then it’s not a part of you yet. Which is why the understanding that I belong to krishna is so strange, because I realize that this understanding is no choice. I can’t say it’s a part of me – it’s me. It’s who I am. I can no more burn it out of me, than I can change who I am.
Which probably has something to do with my interest in the two items of surrender: “Accept what is favorable for devotional service” and “Reject what is unfavorable for devotional service”. With this comes also some other understanding, that time suddenly has little meaning. If I belong to Krishna, then it doesn’t really matter that I’m currently a conditioned being. Why? Because it’s just a matter of time until I’m completely His. It doesn’t really matter, I will slowly get there. I’m already sold, we just have to wait a little bit until I come. It’s like a long journey from A to B. The ticket is bought and I’m on the way. I’ve gone beyond the point of return and I will just keep on going until I reach the goal. I can’t go back because it’s just not me anymore, though I may still be diverted on the way there.
So this stillness is good, soothing. Sure, there is still a lot of work to be done, but time will take care of that. It’s a pleasant stillness with the sense of belonging.