On my own terms

“Do what you love”, all the life coaches say. I dislike the title “life coach”. I find it synonymous with the hypocracy of people trying to earn money by giving other advice on how they want their own lives to be. I have exactly two loves that have stayed through my life; IT and Krishna. Those are my two loves and of those two, Krishna has trumped IT. I always thought that Krishna was my real interest, but I had to make a livelihood so working was an obstacle I always had to surmount to use time on sadhana.

Now I don’t have a job, my environment couldn’t be friendlier. And I’m going bonkers, through the rafters. I really want a job, have a place to go every morning, working with IT which I love. I have to really push to even do one round of Japa these days. Sometimes I decide I want to spend the day just chanting because it sounds so wonderful to just chant all day. Surely, if I close on 64 rounds something wonderful has to happen and I would have an epiphany. Of course, I know it usually doesn’t work like that and in the end I rarely even break the 16 round requirement. I keep on knocking my head against my own qualification. When the environment is friendly, you really see what level you really are at.

So all I want to do instead is work. I want a job. I want to work. This is so hard.

Sure I want to get closer to Krishna, but on my own terms. I seem to thrive better when my environment is full of obstacles. When I really want to spend time on Krishna consciousness, but instead I have to do material, temporary, inconsequential in the long run kind of work. Then reading and doing japa is like a breath of fresh air, it makes me feel alive.

I don’t know what to do now. I’m so bored. I’m not going anywhere, there is no progress. I’m so frustrated!


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