Sincerely. Guided. Inspiration. of Fear.

I think I’m being sincere in my spiritual work of progress. But what is sincere, anyway? Am I selfless? Far from it. Am I self-centered? Well, not completely that either, I hope. I’m trying, to the best of my qualification, to approach God, just because I want to. Not to take, but to just… be there if he wants me. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right or wrong, but I’m here and may be he will use my actions somehow to the benefit of all.

Sincerity (Part 1 of 2)
Question; You were telling we must be sincere. What does “sincerity” mean?

Srila Bharati Maharaja: Sincerity means free from all desire, except to serve the Lord, because we got everything from the Lord like eyes, nose, ears, feet, lungs, heart, and so on are from God. If you are sincere then you must be grateful to the Lord. If you are ungrateful to the Lord then you are not sincere. This is first thing and, next if we are grateful to the Lord then we will serve the Lord; by your eyes, by your nose, by your ears, everything, hands, legs then you are sincere. God gave you eyes but you are not seeing the Deities, the devotees of the Lord. Instead you go to the cinemas, and everything else. It means that you are not sincere.

Understand what is sincerity? You have to serve the Lord, by your hands, because they are from the Lord. You use your legs for the service of the Lord. With your legs you perform parikrama, dhama parikrama, tulasi parikrama, or temple parikrama. And your ears you hear about the Lord, listening from devotees and the scriptures. So you have engaged your ears to serve the Lord. By engaging all your senses in the service of the Lord means that you are sincere.

Excerpts from Darsana with Bhakti Vijnana Bharati Maharaja
Nov 10, 2012
Sri Caitanya Gaudiya Matha

By this definition I’m insincere, but working towards more sincerity. I think all devotees who have been on this path for many years (and those just spiritually inclined for that matter), recognize that our lives are guided. It’s difficult to see this in the middle of it, but when we look back we see Krishna had a plan with us, and ever so slowly we notice how we become more and more guided by the heart. I call it integrity, but I don’t think that encapsulates how we approach the day from second to second. It’s like a shadow of a whisper. It’s in how we feel satisfaction of our lives that isn’t connected to the external noise of life. There’s an understanding that we are being guided, though we don’t understand why. We are guided by the heart.

To be guided, we must be connected. To be connected, we must practice. By practicing, we receive inspiration and blossom.

Some blog posts are inspired. They are thoughts that have not allowed me rest until I write them down. Some posts are not so inspired, they are a work of dedication and practice. I view inspiration as an entity that sometimes decides I am the medium he wants to use. When Inspiration decides to visit me, it’s such a joyful experience because it’s the main way I feel I’m connected. In this post it was not so much the content that wanted to be born, but the heading. The heading wanted life. But what when I don’t feel inspired?

I believe I have to make myself available to Inspiration, so that when He needs me, I’m open to his call.

A spiritual life, is an inspired life. Let’s all aim for an inspired life.

I could have ended this post there with an attempt to wing out some inspired line. But that’s not really the whole picture. Living an inspired life isn’t easy. It’s not taking the easy path, it’s taking the uncertain path that unfolds itself of its own volition. It’s about accepting the fear which uncertainty provides. It’s also about dealing with all the external situations that gets thrown at you. So much is happening in my life now that it’s like there’s a multitude of “lines” that goes out from me to so many other people.

I live in a place I never wanted to live, living a life I never wanted. Still, I’m content in where I’m at. The only reason I’m content is because this is where Krishna wants me to be at the moment. But I have been unemployed for over a year now, and it’s eating at me. That’s my uncertainty and fear. Because, if Krishna really wanted me here, why hasn’t he put in place the last piece of the puzzle?

I don’t know. I try to be as sincere as my abilities allow. I believe I’ve been guided here. My life feels inspired. I’m still scared.