I had a really bad day yesterday. Not because of my neighbor where the harsh punishment seem to have subsided with regular calls to the police and a restraining order in the background. But because.. it has become too much. Since I have no devotee association, my teacher is material nature. Every time I seem to make a move that will make my life easier, material nature take that situation and makes it utterly miserable. I’m in negative awe of how bad the situations I get myself in can get. It gets so bad, I have no words for it.
I only have one place to turn to be able to deal with these situations, and that’s Krishna. But I have my limits and that’s why I had a bad day yesterday (and probably today). I have a limit to how much I can take before it affects me too much. It’s like these situations make a permanent impression on the mind somehow, and then it takes a really long time before I have dealt with the consequences. This time I have given up on “humanity”. Most people to me are animals with two legs who have a very limited amount of reasoning. No matter how cordial and respectful I am, there is little impact I can have on anybody except myself.
It doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I got myself in the situation with the neighbor because of some trees they planted. I am well within the legal rights in felling them, but they don’t understand this. And I was one of these two legged animals with very limited amount of reasoning myself. But somehow, due to Gurus mercy, I am becoming more civilized (I hope).
The situation with my neighbor brought something very precious forward that I didn’t know was there. I was able to chant 64 rounds for some days. While the roof seemed to come down my head, I was so hard at chanting to be able to kope. I didn’t know this was within me, but Yoga maya is a very expert teacher. Truth is, I would *never* have chanted 64 rounds unless I was put in an extreme situation over an extended period.
Chanting 64 rounds taught me something. That the reason we have such problems chanting is because chanting gets in the way of us enjoying material nature. It’s so much easier to watch telly, read books etc. The truth is that I have ample amounts of time to chant 64 rounds if I really was dedicated. Chanting that much showed me how much time I’m actually wasting on nonsense. I knew this before, but it’s a different matter when its shown to you.
But the true gift in this came forward yesterday when I had such a bad day. Again I was praying to Bhagavan, and I wanted to give Him up like I have wanted more times than I can count. But I couldn’t give Him up even if… well, I can’t give Him up. It doesn’t exist within me. Usually during such bad days I end up watching telly, eating garbage and just allow myself to have a bad day with comfort activities. Yesterday, my comfort activity was listening to an audio recording of Jaiva Dharma. Sure, I watched telly as well, but when I really needed comfort, I turned to Harikatha. Yesterday during a bad day, I appreciated spirituality more than I have done in even good spiritual day previously. Those days of 64 rounds brought something out of me that I really like and I want more of it.
I don’t recommend that one artificially try to bring these things forward, because it doesn’t work in my experience. Things are brought forward within me when the time is right, like it was for me when I broke through the 64 rounds boundary. Yoga Maya arranges the material nature somehow so I have to surrender.
I have been more happy where I currently live than I have ever been before. At least that was up until now. Still I see that no matter how much I try, I don’t belong in this place and situation. I’m a fish out of water, though I’ve gotten quite good at living this material life. This has moved me towards the end game: I have now started a bond savings account so that I may move to Vrindavin and stay in high class association. Right now I have obligations with my son so I’m set where I am. But give it some years and I hope Krishna makes arrangements for me to stay within the protection of high class association. At least that’s what I’m saving towards now, so that Krishna can make arrangements for me when He wants. I want to be ready, when He thinks it’s time. That I think is the end game – and now for the first time I see I’m moving towards it.
This is what came out of my neighbors abuse.