Seperating material from spiritual concerns

After my conclusion like post about my neighbor, I didn’t write anything more. I went through the same phases I have been through before. At first I was so disappointed with Krishna that saying “Krishna” was breathing disappointment. Then I was so angry that saying “Krishna” was equivalent to venting anger. The problem is, I have been there before and I have lost taste in the these emotional rollercoasters. I find them boring. This material world is rigged for unpleasantness from the start, so I can’t win. There is nothing remotely interesting about my neighbor. There is nothing interesting about being abused 24 hours a day (crazy people need very little sleep). My disappointment and anger is boring, even to me who is having it.

Legally, I have done everything I can and it’s still an ongoing process. I think my neighbor have/is paranoid psychosis (how do I properly write that sentence?). To deal with this situation, I’m currently employing two strategies. If I’m outside of my home (in other words, outside of the abusers reach) and my mind keeps on thinking of the abusive situation I think that “I can think of this tomorrow at 9 am”.

The second strategy is when I’m home and the abuser is creating a lot of disturbance. For every disturbance, I focus on something positive and do something positive. One knock on the floor might mean I take a bite of chocolate, put on some music, watch some tv etc.

What is slowly happening for me is that I don’t really care much about it. Not even when she wakes me up at night and I get only a few hours sleep, I don’t mind. I’m fine. It’s like I envision a person who has a mosquito. Now this mosquito is a big, huge one who is really insistent and is taking huge bites of the person. As a result, this person became ill, got a fever and became quite weak. As time passed, the mosquito continued his attacks, but somehow the person didn’t die. Then something slowly happened, the person became immune. Now, the bites are still big and the person is still sick. But slowly, ever so slowly the bites are having less of an effect and the insistent, annoying buzzing is negligible.

This is how I’m currently look at the situation I’m in, though I’m not sure if it will have that ending. This is my material way of dealing with this.

On the first day of my arrival at Krishna Balarama Mandira, Didi said to me: “Chant 16 rounds, do 15 minutes of seva to your Thakurjis and you will be happy”. I haven’t been able to remotely follow this after I came home. I have also stopped praying to Krishna about my situation. I blame Krishna for putting me in such an evil, abusive situation. What I’m experiencing is evil. Blaming Krishna for this and being angry at him is a dangerous situation for me. So what I have done is that I have separated this situation from my faith.

More specifically, I have separated these thoughts away from my faith. I’m unable to understand this situation in any spiritual context, so I have therefore put this situation in a box that does not touch upon my faith. I do not pray about this situation anymore. When I’m unable to understand this from a spiritual context (and growth), then I remove it from any spiritual considerations.

It’s the only way to keep my faith strong. If I do anything otherwise, it will be detrimental to my bhakti. It’s all about survival strategies at this point if I’m going to grow stronger.

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