Nearing the end

 

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I’ve moved and are now in place. Simon has started kindergarten and I’ve had the last day in my job. On Monday I’m officially unemployed. I still have a lot of boxes everywhere, but life has resumed it’s busy pace.

I really love the new place. It’s so very much me. It’s open, light, big windows from floor to ceiling with view to the patio outside. It’s closer to nature.

I’ve prayed for my life to stabilize, slow down. I’m hoping this will enable me to do more bhajan, work on my relationship with Gurudeva and Krishna. My life has already slowed down a little bit, but it takes a while before it registers with me. It takes a while before I feel less overwhelmed, before my todo lists reach a low level. It’s slowly happening. The things I do now, are things I only need to do once like installing lamps etc.

I have begun to read/recite the Srimad-Bhagavatam every day. I was inspired to do so after reading a beautiful story about bhakti devi that I had never heard before.

katha bhagavatasyapi nityam bhavati yad grhe
tad grham tirtha-rupam hi vasatam papa-nasanam

asva-medha-sahasrani vajapeya-satani ca
suka-sastra-kathayas ca kalam narhanti sodasim
(Bhagavata-mahatmyam, Pt.3, verse 29-30)

“Any home where bhagavata-katha is recited daily, any place where bhagavata-patha pravacana has been organised, becomes a holy place. The sinful reactions of the residents of that place will be dissolved. One may perform one thousand asvamedha-yajnas, horse sacrifices, or one hundred vajapeya-yajnas, but their results cannot be compared to one-sixteenth the benefit of hearing Srimad-Bhagavatam.

 

The apartment I got feels like a gift, and I really would like if that gift was something that would enhance my bhajana. I wake up each day now feeling good. I’ve come to a place internally that is really good, and I find myself thinking that I will be lead towards places where I’m needed. Where I can spread sunshine.

The former owner of the apartment had a text on the wall which said “Believe you could make a difference”. It annoyed me, because if you only believe something – then your not doing it. So I removed some letters until it stated “make a difference”. You either make a difference or you don’t, and I make a difference each day. I want to make things better by my presence and I try to do this every day. The best way of doing this is to spend every day for spiritual development. So I do a little each day hoping it becomes a stronger current each day.

I’m so fortunate that I met Gurudeva and that he left a lasting impression on me. Those who meet an uttama-bhagavata is really the most fortunate people. We stop becoming lost. Our lives have purpose, we just have to learn to work towards that purpose.

Lack of connection (sambandha)

How do you create a connection (sambandha) in your devotional practices?

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I have been contemplating my mood when I chant, and I don’t know how to describe it except neutral. There isn’t much service mood there and trying to force a mood is difficult. Even thinking in those terms, doesn’t make a mood come through.

I watch TV and what I really like is the way I disappear when watching something. I completely forget my life and situation, and I’m absorbed into the TV series. But even series are loosing its hold on me, and I find myself with more time for devotional practices. What strikes me is how difficult it is to feel a connection.

I have been at the place where I looked so forward to the times where I could spend the rest of the evening hours for devotional activities. It was with such joy, and then the feeling of connection was there. But then I had spent time at work reading and going into siddhanta. It’s unusual I have time for that at work.

Usually I chant, read etc. but with a neutral feeling. I like those activities, but I’m still often neutral and with no or little feeling of connection.

What am I missing? What is it that I’m lacking in my knowledge/understanding?

(Sambandha is used to refer to the different types of relationship one can have to krishna, so I’m not even sure I can use the word in the way I’m using it now.)