What problem?

After being denied control over my sleep, denied the ability to control sounds around me, denied privacy. I get away from it from some days, and I think: How small my problems was before. How I wasted my time, always attached to some problems.

I have my health, I’m not in physical pain, may be my punishment is not so bad. I go crazy with no sleep over a long time, but still… I am healthy. When dealing with a narcissist, you are not powerful in the doing. You are powerful in ignoring whatever adverse situation there is. You can only accept (and buy custom made earplugs made for sleep).

Even if he kills living beings, he who is free from the ego of being the doer and whose intelligence is not attached to the results of his activities does not truly kill, nor is he bound by the result of his action.

Bhagavad-gita 18.17

How I have wasted my life with this incessant worry over insignificant problems. Creating problems of my own.

I, who have been expert at solving whatever problems I have. I’m expert at learning skills and employing them – going so far as learning to service my own car, do home renovations, sound proofing. What is it that I can’t figure out and deal with?

But this need to control sleep, sound, the thoughts of the mind and privacy is dictating my inner environment. But I am not powerful in the doing. I am powerful in the being, accepting, to continue living a life that is really extraordinary for me. I have been given a gift disguised as poison. It’s just been a lot of work trying to unwrap this gift. Understanding it. To blossom (/not dying) under extreme adverse conditions.

Krishna is really making me work hard for him. The funny thing is: How easy it is for Him to maneuver me into evolving. How He must enjoy this and laugh of me, knowing I have no choice than to evolve. That my childish rage and disobeyment is of no consequence.

I used to think that Krishna would have a hard time to evolve my subtle understanding when I came to such a mentally healthy place, really enjoying life. How naive I was, how wonderfully, blissfully ignorant I was.

Instead I’m amazed at Krishna’s ingenuity. What a genius move! How assured He must be in knowing I will not leave.

I am not powerful in the doing.

What a powerful lesson I’m learning.

krishna_arjuna_Mahabharata-Kurukshetra1

Why do bad things happen to good devotees?

18422_496260270410358_1689781222_n1When hardships befall us, it’s easy to blame Krishna. I do. Krishna takes control of our lives, so that means that whatever hardships that happen is because of Krishnas will. That’s a hard opinion to have, but I do. I did. I also say Krishna takes control of our lives – not Guru. It’s easier to blame Krishna, than Guru. Guru becomes too personal, I don’t want to weaken the bond.

In the beginning I thought that when we got initiated that Guru took away our karma. Now I know that he doesn’t. Guru engages us instead in devotional service that destroys karma. It is said that chanting one Nama removes sins from countless lives. So why do bad things still happen to good devotees?

Karma in the life of a devotee is a very complex subject. Insastra it is said that chanting a mere reflection of the holy name of Krishna (namabhasa) has the power to destroy one’s manifest (prarabdha) karma.

Karma and Sri Guru

Wouldn’t our chanting lessen the burden to the degree that bad things became obsolete in  devotees?

Now I understand that karma in aspiring devotees are instead lessened, not removed. It means bad things will still happen, but the effect of it will be lessened. Last for a shorter time.

Hearing and chanting about Krishna under the guidance of sri guru combined with the guru’s grace destroys one’s karma. Of the two, effort in sadhana and the grace of the guru, the latter is more important, linga bhuyastvat tad hi baliyah tad api(Vs. 3.3.45).

So as long as we keep on serving our own interests, karma will be on our tail. Karma still can’t be proved in any way. It’s still a theoretical knowledge to me, but I guess all of this philosophy is. Knowledge without realizations.

So how can this help us in our understanding of hardships? For me it soothes a little bit knowing that my karma has been lessened. By understanding this I take away a little of the blame I’m placing at Krishnas feet.

This relation I have to krishna now – the anger, the blame, the disappointment. There isn’t much aishvarya there. This is personal. This is my heart. He has to take the good with the bad, just as I am right now and in the future.

I can’t see how these hardships will strengthen our bond, how this will make me closer to Him.

But of course, you can’t see that when you are in the middle of it. Only long after the dust has settled.