Spiritually lost

In spiritual life there is a goal – a clear defined goal. To develop love for God. Though you don’t achieve a goal easily. You don’t even get a goal easily. A goal is something you develop over time – a desire you work for.

I don’t have a goal in my spiritual life. On the contrary, I want my life to become more materially successfull, and let my spiritual life be a hobby that I do in-between.

How am I supposed to even have a goal when I have no understanding of what spirituality is? Let me give you a story to illustrate. Someone who I’ve known for a long time see me as someone I’m not. She understands me based upon herself and her little world. So she tries to cast me into this role in her world that she understands. She knows depression, so if I’m going through some hard ordeals she thinks I’m depressed. I’m not, but she don’t know what my life is like so she uses only what she knows. She is unable to perceive my life, how I think and who I am because she have no experience with my life. She has no capacity to see beyond her own life.

I’m like her when it comes to spiritual life. I have no experience of what spiritual life is – so how am I supposed to get a spiritual goal? To change my perceptions into something spiritual? I consider myself to be a very intelligent person, I read a lot of spiritual books but I know that even though my intelligence makes me understand a whole lot, that intelligence is of little value in spiritual life. Spiritual life is about developing feelings. Even worse, it’s about developing feelings I have no experience of and is not of the world I’m in.

So then there’s mercy. There’s a lot about how you have to receive your Gurudeva’s mercy to be able to progress in spiritual life. Well, I don’t understand mercy. I especially don’t understand spiritual mercy. That is *really* above my understanding.

So I’m in this material box. I know there’s a spiritual box – I’m trying to look into that box. But my tools for entering this spiritual box is all wrong. I know on the theoretical platform I’m supposed to chant, do my gayatri and do all these things. Then my ability to get into the spiritual box will reveal itself. Except – I’m unable to. What motivation do I really have to work towards this spiritual box when all I know is this material box and how that one works?

I’m so lost. I need help. I’m so unqualified to receive help – even if I got help served on a golden platter I wouldn’t be able to take it. That’s how lost I am.