Lost faith, lost everything

Some weeks ago I had a discussion about transcendental sound. Somehow the discussion culminated (for me) into whether one can make any spiritual progress without sadhu-sanga even when one is diksa initiated, The answer I got was: there is no progress without sadhu-sanga. Period. In other words: I can forget about making any progress in my life. I thought I was at the stage of bhajana-kriya, but forget it. I’m still on sraddha, and moving backwards from there. I have been sad ever since. I have no sadhu-sanga or even association with more advanced devotees. So in reality it means I will never make progress in spiritual life (or at least for many years to come).

So why bother? Whenever I think of doing something spiritual, the thought “Why bother?” comes up in my mind. I have stopped reading books. I have stopped. It runs even deeper than that, because why get up in the morning when there is no hope for me? I have lost the meaning of my life. Before I always thought that whatever defect there were, was in me. I could fix me. But now when there is no hope without sadhu-sanga, then why bother? There is no reason for me to keep drudging on, there’s nothing there to give me hope anymore. I used to think that at least when I kept reading books etc. there was something there that helped me move on. Kept the seed of bhakti watered – whatever poorly.

I have never been so low before. I have never had such a huge crisis in my spiritual life before when I have lost the point of even trying.