Driven by….. guilt

hare-krishna-returns-embed-2This path is all-consuming. At least, that’s what it evolves towards. So whatever I do as a conditioned being, it’s never enough. Never good enough. At least that’s what my mind thinks.

Then greed came up as a requisite to progress again. Greed just keeps on popping up to be able to work myself forward. Ever since I understood what is required of me, I’ve become a bit…. resistant. I mean, if we are talking developing greed, then things are getting serious. That’s scary. Greed is scary to me.

I truly believe in God. I truly believe this world and I belong to him and that I owe him everything. So a lot of my devotional activities are driven by guilt. I feel I don’t do enough, don’t try enough and I feel that almost always when I do something material, which is most of the time. I understand that it’s ridiculous, just imagine this conversation:

Me: Dear God, I’m doing all of this for you – out of guilt.
God: Thank you my dear, but I have to respectfully decline. This is not the service I want from you.

I feel guilty, but that is counter-productive if I’m to develop greed. Actually, I think it runs a bit averse to greed. When your greedy, you go after what you want with all your might, and you get what you want as long as you endure enough failures and learn on the way.

Guilt on the other hand contains a bit of resistance, “I want to do it, but deep down not really. I only do it because I have to, but I will smile and say I like it because goddamnit, that’s what I have to do”.

This is no good.