Aiming towards steadiness

10003657_10152680844326433_4111866144249062890_oThere was a woman who once talked to Gurudeva about some subject. During the conversation she said that she wouldn’t finish the process in this lifetime, but may be the next. Gurudeva then struck her, with the sound warning that she should only aim towards achieving our goal in this lifetime.

I only heard this story through a third-party, which is why this story is so badly rendered from my side. For all I know, it might not even be true.

It’s shocking, because Gurudeva struck her. It’s instructive, because it really drives an important point home. We should never allow laxness in our thinking and habits.

That is why I never really entertain the idea that I will have to spend several lifetimes before I achieve my goal. I know I have a long way to go and at the rate I’m going… well. I understand that realistically, I will have to use lifetimes.

But mentally, I don’t think that way. I don’t allow it. That’s why I get enthusiastic when I find something that indicate that this lifetime is enough. The thought of being born in this material world again, nauseates me. I have no interest in it. Though, this thinking in itself is selfish, and lacks devotional service. If I had some bhakti in me, I would be happy to do my Guru’s wishes wherever he put me. It wouldn’t matter if I’m in this material world or not.

In reality, what I want is to get rid of the conditioned part of me.

I have had an understanding and acceptance for the unsteady part of my service. I haven’t pushed because I have understood that I haven’t been qualified. This acceptance hasn’t meant laxness in my case, only understanding with the continued effort to improve.

I have gone days, even weeks without chanting. It’s been unsteady. I can suddenly chant 16 rounds. Then nothing. Then 8 rounds, 4, 10, 13, nothing. Despite this, I have this internal drive that keeps on pushing whenever I see that I get lazy and get me moving again in the right direction.

I have decided that it’s time to add some steadiness to my routine. Now I will chant every day. Even if it is only one round, I will chant every day.

I’m ready now for some steadiness. May be more importantly, I want it.