Three years later…

I have been quiet for three years now. The reason was I lost the belief that Krishna exist. I haven’t written about it while it happened because it was so intensely personal and I guess unreal. I have been a devotee since I was 17 – who was I when I no longer believed?  I also knew that even though I was lost for now, if I ever found my way back it would be within Gaudiya Math. I love the richness of the siddhanta, the deepness of it, the never-ending discoveries that could be made (which controversy apparently is my preference of finding treasures) and how it triggers the qualities I really like in myself like doing research, writing and using it as a way of personal growth.

Much can be said about losing ones faith, and I don’t think those who believe understand how difficult it is to stop believing. After this experience, words like blooping and the general judgmental understanding by devotees is shallow at best. It was like somebody pulled the ground beneath my feet and I fell… and kept falling for these years. Because I have never become comfortable in not believing. Krishna consciousness wasn’t just a lifestyle, it was also a huge part of my identity. Without that identity, a huge part of what generated meaning and purpose in life fell away. Can you imagine how it is to get your identity ripped away from you? The place you generate meaning and purpose in life? What comes after, that can possibly replace that?

Though I was lost, I have missed my faith all the way through and I guess this is why I’m writing now. May be my personal growth has now entered a phase where I’m beginning to become ready… but for what and how?

How am I supposed to find my way back again? Because I miss. And I miss you devotees. Losing you by turning my back has been a real loss, though I’m the one who did it.

I also know I can’t go back to the person I was before. I’m not a vegetarian anymore, and I will not go back to it. I have developed an interest in astrology, and my north node is in libra, 1st House for those who are interested in it. This is a really difficult aspect, because I have to develop the self, who I am while Libra and the 1st house is counter. North node is also conjunct the Ascendant and Pluto is close by (5 degree conjunction, 1st House).

I have an intense need to figure myself out and how I want to live my life, being true to my values. As of now this is counter to bhakti which require unconditional service to Krishna. And my need is to really develop myself – and slowly and carefully approach the faith again. And what better way than to read siddhanta and writing about it, since this is who I am. But I can’t do anymore deprivation stuff. I don’t have it in me to give anything I don’t want to give. I don’t have it in me to deprive myself of anything. I need to love the bejesus of myself.

There is a very real resistance in my towards doing any service to Krishna. I have to heed that resistance for now. During the last year I have been part of the scouts, and I learned acts of service there and learned to extend myself in ways I haven’t done as a devotee. It has been eye-opening and one way of learning how unconditional service works. It’s just another path that has the same destination.

I need to do what I want to do – and if it happens to coincide with service to Krishna, then good. I literally can’t do anything that goes counter to who I am. There is something within me that needs that space to grow right now.

So I would like to know how other devotees lost their faith and came back. How did it work for you? What steps did it entail – what growth needed to happen and how did you approach the faith again? Please share your wisdom with me.